|acceptance. not submission.
||[Mar. 30th, 2009|02:34 pm]
Acceptance. I have heard this word often, and have never really understood the true meaning. In my life I have met many people, seen many things, and undertaken many tasks. I have felt the prescence of God all my life. I have shared this with many people, and tried to live my life in accordance with that constant call of the spirit. But I am not happy. I haven’t been happy for many years.|
I am satisfied. But not happy.
Satisfied with my life, and the work I have completed. I have not deviated from my path. All of my young adult life, I have yearned to create cinema. I went to school, because I was fortunate enough to have a family situation that afforded me the opportunity (at least to finance my schooling). I learned, I have been making movies non-stop since that time, and I feel blessed to know that I have found my calling in life. I still have much to learn, and my journey is far from complete, but there is a sense of satisfaction and fulfillment in my life. It is truly a blessing. I have managed to keep creating, often times with no money or outside support for well over five years. If that isn’t dedication and true passion, then I don’t know what is. I am confident to be moving forward in my career.
So what is my problem?
I do not accept life as it is.
It has been this way my whole life. I struggle against the very fabric of the universe, for whatever reason, I expect to be able to control the aspects of my life that I desperately want to work the way I envision them in my head. Specificly, the issue of relationships with women, and sexuality. All my life I have felt unattractive to the opposite sex. I never behave or look or interact with them the way I want. I look around and see all of my friends find success and I wonder what makes them more able then me?
Why? How are they so much better? Why is it that I can never get what I want?
The truth is, I don’t know. I will never know. I can never know. The depths of my love and my pain are so intense for me that at times I feel overpowered and simply unable to continue. Everytime I am hurt by a woman the pain seems to be everlasting and unbearable. My thoughts race, and my heart beats, and my stomach churns digesting every little detail of how she chooses another man over me. Why Is it I feel such an attraction and it is not returned?
Is it how I dress? My rejection of most material things? What exactly is it?
I don’t know. I will never know.
What I have finally come to realize is that the true secret to happiness is to accept that you have no control over life. You only have control over how you react to it. My whole entire life I have skipped this essential lesson. I have not accepted that I cannot control other people, situations, or things in my life. Life is something that happens to you, or is it something you create?
I think it is a mixture of both. Your reactions is what you have authority over, not who is attracted to you, how the world accepts what you create…
You do not have any control.
None. I cant make tess love me, I cant force the world to accept my film into the festivals I want, I cannot will the massive financial support I need for my projects and my life into existence. I can prepare myself, and do my best to influence these things, but truly it is not up to me.
It is up to God, Life, Yahweh, the force, being, whatever label one wants to put on the interconnectedness of everybody. The spirit that moves through me and you and her and him and whoever…
Today I realized that acceptance is the key to true success in life. I accept that I have made choices that have acted as a hinderence to many of my desires in life. I stand by those choices, and thus accept the consequences. Tess does not love me, she will eventually find someone else, fall in love, and be with them. She will never be with me. I accept this.
I accept that I made walking to the cage. It is a beautiful piece of work that I have had much fun creating and learned so much from. Whatever happens to it now, is beyond my control. I will finish the audio, and I will attend the premiere at STIFF and/or wherever it is deemded worthy to screen. I cannot control that my family is dysfunctional, and there are many deep seeded phsycological issues within myself that stem from that dysfunction. I accept this. I accept that it is up to me to fix myself. I love my family and friends for who they are, and no longer will I judge them. I have no control over how they choose to react to what life does to them. I can only be there for them, and do my best to support. I have no control.
I accept this. I accept what life is doing to me at this moment, and I truly believe that only through acceptance can happiness be found for me. It is my lifelong struggle and a lesson I believe I am finally on my way to accepting. Acceptance. Life is what it is. I am matthew hickney, and life will not stop me from being happy or creating what it is I would like to create. I will accept what life throws at me, and be at peace within that acceptance.
Please forgive me my stubbornness, I am growing. I will accept. Throw it at me. I will accept it all. My ego will not control me or ruin my life. No more. Acceptance of what it is, is the way to peace.
I will practice acceptance at all times. And I will continue to create my life in cinema, jiu jitsu, and friendship and love as best as I know how.
Bring it, because I will accept it all. Whatever happens, will happen. Acceptance is the most powerful way to live, because indeed, I am truly powerless against the current of life. It is insane to stuggle against what is, and I choose to live a life of sanity.
I, matthew hickney resolve to live a life of acceptance from this point onward.
If your still reading, thank you. I have not written here in a long time, but that will change. Writing is a helpful tool, and I will need to grow in my ability to translate my thoughts. This will help.
I love you all, and I accept whatever happens in my life.
Peace be with you.